Love makes me want to puke right now. Being serious scares me because every single time I get serious, I am the one who gets hurt.
Fuck love.
Fuck relationships.
Who needs other people to drag them down? Not this girl.
IIm sitting here looking at someone I know and someone I love and I am wondering what I am going to do? Do i look at them more then I look at me and mys relationship with both. I feel like thats what I do. I dont understand why I do that. It just doesnt make sense to me. And I dont make sense most of the time. But, I will never understand why, I look at people and I look at everything they do, and wonder what they are thinking about most of the time. If i could change, I would change. I would change every single thing about me, and become someone else.. I blame my parents for every single thing, they made me who I am today. If I could explain to you what I have been threw, you would understand what I am doing, and you would understand why I am the way I am. If things were easy, I wouldnt be this way. I wouldnt feel the way I do. If i could be who I want to be, it would be so easy, life would be easy and things around would be easy. I would sit there, and I would say fuck you to everyone who sat there behind my back the whole time I was the person I was now. Im so pissed off with the way I was, before and i just dont know what to do anymore.
your unique in your own way. :)
March 31st, 2013
Im sitting here and I decided to just let you know what I was thinking, and let you know the thoughts Ive had for awhile. I usaully don’t tell whats on my mind, my feelngs, or anything like that, But with you I always want to be real and let you know whats going on, if I don’t, you’ll never know and honestly its important, because if I never ever take a risk, and stay bottled up and held down, I might just regret it. A long time ago, I was the first person to always let my guard down, and to let everyone know exacty how it was, but over time of being hurt and pissed off so much, I created a barrier, with the moto of, “let no one in.” I lived by that for about a year, and just did everything I wanted, didn’t listen to anyone, and could care less what anyone said no matter who they were, which brought me to realizing I needed to calm down a bit before I did shit, I shouldn’t have been doing. I ended up seeing the light at the end of all my tunnels. I changed my life around in a full 180. You might here peoples opinions on me and shit, and there is a reason for that, because of who I use to be. I can promise thought, them people don’t know half of what they are talking about, when they talk. And to be honest, I don’t know half of the peoples opinions about me, because I could care less anymore, because I know who I am. I want to show someone who I have become, But I want someone to also help me, guide me, show me, who I can be. As people say that, everyone expects it to be in a ‘relationship’, I just want someone, If its my mom, dad, bestfriend, a stranger, girl, boy, elder, then thats who it is. Thats just what I want. With you, when Im around you, I’m always learning something new, about myself, you, or something were working on. And, I can’t help but love every single minute of that. When you sit down, and actually explain something to me, or show me what to do, i feel secure in a way, because instead of you yelling because I cant do it, you teach me to do it. Instead of giving up on me, you push me. I need something like that in my life, and I think thats why I’ve started to hang on to you, the way I have. A few months ago, when I first seen you, I never in a million years, thought that I would be texting you or even hanging out with you. It shocked me, the day I walked down them stairs at your house, and I sat next to you, usaully thats not me to approach someone. I always say, if someone wants me, they can chase me, but with you.. You tell me to run, and I want to run after you. Scares me half to death, by feeling that way, and scares me the other half by telling you this. The thing is, when Tj and me broke up, I looked at it as if it was the end of the world, because that was someone who improved and changed my life, in a million ways, and with out him, i felt as if i didnt have what I needed, and I thought honestly, I wouldn’t find anything better for me. But, sitting here today, i’m greatful he was there for how long he was, but im greatful he left me, because of where I am today. Today I’m standing here, being independant but allowing myself, to lean on someone just enough. The first day, I came to the conclusions of the way I feel about you, was when we were laying on the couch, and you brought up attachment, and you said, “I hear your already attached.” I looked at you like, what is he talking about, and let that replay in my head for a good few days, and then I said, to myself he is right im attached in a weird way. I can’t quite figure it out, still till this day what it is. But, I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want you to go anywhere. Truth is, I like you and I like you alot. I like what you bring to the table, and I like the way things are. The other day, when I talked to Jessica and shit, alls that went throught my mind, is everything she is saying true? I told her these exact words, “After hearing what you have said, i still like him, i still want him.” Why, would I say that? Why would I feel that way? I don’t know but I hope one day I find out, but I hope that i’m going to want you till I get you, I hope, I want you even after I get you..
Ill leave it on that note, good night aj.
